Belonging
I did say I would avoid ranting about philosophies and perspectives, but please indulge me a little here.
This is a topic that has confused, bothered, annoyed, troubled, mystified me all my life.
I see people who define themselves by the sports team they follow. Or the brand they buy. Or the college they attended. Or the company where they work. Or a political party. Or a singer. Or actor.
I can understand a bit someone who is defined by a hobby, or they are MAGA, or a religion, but those people make me sad.
Maybe its a matter of wiring, my autism, that doesn't allow me to quite experience belonging as people do it. Understanding how people feel their need for a belonging, and how they express their need, is beyond me.
For a few people, Belonging seems to fulfill the need to be right or correct, and proving it by being right with other people. Then to identify yet other people and label them as wrong. This isn't real. This isn't being right. This isn't a shared faith, belief, or loyalty. People mistake this experience as belonging.
When we were in Tijuana, my dad bought me a hand sized transistor radio, not yet available in the United States. In fourth grade all the boys in school were hysterical about baseball. My radio made me popular because during lunch and during recess, we could all gather around and listen to the Dodgers play baseball. I couldn't understand how excited they were.
Understanding enthusiasm and appreciation of an artist or a group is one thing. But the loyalty and hysteria and screaming and collecting of merch is beyond me. Seeing hysterical sports fans on TV, cynicism washes over me. I really don't believe that anyone could be that enthusiastic about watching other people play a game. Seeing hysterical fans, screaming, and crying because someone is singing a song, I'm suspicious. It is very possible that it might be me, not being wired to experience a common emotion. Or maybe snobbery, or maybe autism.
Do I have difficulty connecting with people? No. I love talking. Sarah says I can talk to anyone on many subjects.
My mom once told me that I was like a dog, going around making friends with everyone. She meant that not as a compliment. But it's a good quality.
A therapist I saw, whose office was right next-door to the waiting room, told me he could always tell I was his next client because it was the only time he heard people talking in the waiting room.
And its not that the experience of belonging is unfamiliar to me. But the feeling of belonging to any ethnicity, or any nation, or any country isnkt there for me. I do feel like I'm a liberal politically. I do feel like Los Angeles is my city. I believe in the U S constitution. What I rarely feel is belonging. So, I was born in this country, or this neighborhood or city. Does that mean I belong? By luck of birth?
There is the feeling commonality, but that doesn't give me the feeling of belonging. Emotionally connecting with someone is a great pleasure. Sharing an experience with someone is wonderful. But I don't feel belonged.
I do feel like I belong to my family. The feeling of belonging with Sarah and the kids is so unlike any other connection. How I feel about my cousins is unique.
Often I see that Belonging is a pretty box filled with pain. The box inevitability topples, the lid opens, and the pain spreads.
Or is it the word Belonging itself which is odd to me?