Jokes
I thought I should include some humor.
Jokes always seem to be rattling about in my brain.
This is the first one that came to mind.
A turtle was walking home from work down a dark street late at night, Suddenly, some punk snails came out of the darkness and mugged the unfortunate turtle.
The turtle called 911, and soon the police arrived.
"Can you give us a description of these snails?" ask the police.
The turtle says, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Butterflies aren't what they used to be
I asked the kids for jokes they remembered.
Frannie and Max remember this one
Back in the bad ol' days of logging, teams of loggers would go out miles into the forests, and they had to be self-sufficient. They would determine who would be the camp cook by who complained the loudest. A new guy complained, he became the cook. He didn't want the job. So the next day he went out into the forest and found a large moose turd, and baked it into a pie. And after his mediocre dinner, he served a slice of the pie to the biggest, most bad tempered man on the team.
The man took one taste, stood up, and said,
"My God! This is moose shit pie!
It's good though."
Noah remembered this joke.
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't get down off an elephant, you get down off a duck.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
It had to. Chickens weren't around yet.
Lily remembered this joke.
There was a group of tall moles and one very short mole standing
around in conversation.
One mole says, I smell cotton candy.
Another says, I smell maple syrup.
I smell candy apples, says another.
The smallest mole in the group says, I smell molasses
Sarah remembers this one..
Sister Mary Margaret and Sister Margaret Mary were walking down the street one dark and lonely night.
Suddenly they were confronted by Dracula, whose fangs were out and eyes were red.
Sister Mary Margaret says to Sister Margaret Mary, "Sister, show him your cross!"
"I will do exactly that!" Sister Margaret Mary says.
"What exactly do you think you're doing? What are you doing accosting people out here in the middle of the night!? You should be ashamed of yourself! I have no respect for you. You should clean up your act, figure out what you want in life. But right now get away from us, you are so disappointing."
Dracula draws back and flies away.
Sister Mary Margaret says, "What was that about!?"
Sister Margaret Mary says, "Well, you told me to show him I’m cross."
How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
You hold his nose.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore doing nothing.
Stephen Wright
On a flight from LA to New York, a blonde was sitting in economy. As soon as the plane got in the air, she got up and moved to first class. The flight attendant told her she had to go back. The blonde yelled, "I'm a blonde. I'm beautiful. I'm going to New York, and I'm staying right here."
After a bit of argument, the flight attendant gave up and went to the cockpit and explained what was going on.
"Did you say she was blonde?" asked the pilot, "Don’t worry about it. I speak blonde."
He went back to the woman, spoke softly to her, and in just a few seconds, the blond stood up and said, "Oh, I'm so sorry," and went back to her seat in economy.
"What did you say to her?" asked the attendant.
The pilot said, "I told her that first class doesn't go to New York."
Another one from Lily.
A Buddhist lama, a rabbit, a Catholic priest, and a Muslim imam, were having dinner.
The Lama says, "I believe that we are one with everything. "
The Muslim said, "I believe in the one God Allah."
The Catholic said, "I believe in the one God, but He is in the form of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. "
The rabbit said, "I believe I'm a typo. "
They don't make yardsticks any longer
There was a very religious man who lived in a beautiful valley. One day the river flooded. He and his family were advised to evacuate. The family says, Let's pack up and get out of here, but the man says, God will save us. The Lord always will provide salvation.
His family left, the water rose. A man in a large truck drives by and says, Come with me before the flood waters get worse.
The man of faith says, No, the Lord will provide salvation.
The waters rose.
The waters came up to his front door, and a guy in a rowboat said, We are the last people here in this valley, come with me.
The man said, No, the Lord always will provide salvation
The waters rose and he had to go up stairs. He was looking out of a second story window and a motorboat came by and people said, Come with us, we will save you.
He said, No, God is salvation.
Then the waters rose, and he went up on his roof. A military helicopter came along and called out, Climb up on this ladder and we will save you,
God will provide salvation, he yelled back.
The waters rose.
The man drowned.
He went to heaven and he approached God and said, I'm a great believer. I'm a man of faith. How could you let this happen to me?
And God said, "What are you talking about? Your family begged you to leave. I sent you a truck and a rowboat. I sent a motorboat and a helicopter!
What more did you want?"
A guy was walking home late one night and finds a neighbor on his hands and knees under the street light.
What's the matter, he asked?
I lost my keys, says the neighbor
Did you drop the keys here at the curb or on the street?
No, I lost them over there closer to my house.
Why are you looking for your keys here?
Well, the light is better here.
I went to the doctor and said, Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.
The doctor said, So don't go like that.
Henny Youngman
A joke that Enzo liked a lot...
This guy was walking in the park, and was walking by his favorite fountain. And there was a man in the fountain rolling around in the water. The first guy stops and asks,
Are you all right?
The guy in the water says, l'm fine, I'm just washing my clothes.
Why don't you use a washing machine?
I tried, but the washing machine makes me dizzy.
An ancient old man was very near the end of life. He chose to be in his own bed and his own home for these last moments. His children were around him, their children in front of them, and the man's great-grandchildren leaned against the bed.
His oldest son says. Dad, we are all gathered here together. Do you have some last thoughts, some wisdom to share with us that we can all cherish.
The old man pauses for thought, and says,
Life, is like a fountain.
Everyone in the room nods, some even write down the words.
One young child, the old man's great grandchild, asks, Why is life like a fountain?
The man says,
OK, so it's not like a fountain.
A man was walking down the street in Las Vegas. A guy walks up to him and says, I haven't eaten in two days. Can you spare a few dollars?
The first guy says, How do I know that you won't just go to the casino and lose this money.
No worries, the other guy says, I've got my gambling money.
Another from Lily.
Black guys like Sonos, Asian guys like Sony, white guys like Phillips, Korean guys like Samsung, but those are just stereotypes
There are two jokes that must be performed.
Ask me about the pirate riddle.
And the rose joke.