Being a Father
To be a father was something I wanted since I was little. It’s possible that since the birth of my brother I wanted to be a parent, and to do it right. See the story of my brother’s birth here.
There were always little kids and babies around to learn from, both friends and relatives.
When Thea was a baby, I worked at a school for blind children, and with emotionally disturbed 10 year-olds. I was able to learn a lot about parenting, and I learned from some parenting mistakes I made there.
There is an art to being a parent.
Of course, I still made mistakes with each of my kids. Those mistakes glare in my memory. And when I think about those mistakes, mistakes that were often unique to each kid, the mistakes become more obvious.
What I tried most to teach our children was to be honest and tell the truth. To have the value that family comes first. That their siblings come first. That there was no room for cruelty among themselves. And there was to be no snitching
The punishment we used the most was the timeout, which we called sitting. If one kid did some wrong, and another one ratted on them, they would both sit.
When they went outside to play in the backyard if someone got hurt, then everyone had to come in. I watched them and saw they took care of each other so they all could play. Family first.
The parenting experience with Sarah was so much fun. The pleasure can be summed up in the word mindfulness.
One principle of parenting, not original on my part, but I don’t know where I learned it, was knowing when to let go. And learning when to not hold on. Letting go starts at ovulation and continues to death. I’ve seen many parents who don’t let go. See the next story.
Many parents do what I call Wee Wee parenting. The talking down to kids in a sweet tone in simple language, and expecting them to return the attitude in kind. Kids see through that very early, and learn to manipulate using the tone. I feel close to disgusted just thinking of it. It is a misunderstanding of “respect” for the child instead of educating the little animal not to be a jerk.
I think part of good parenting is presenting a good example, to teach by example. But this can require the parent to create a fictional image of themselves, hiding their past, being a created image of a good example. Then the child sees a false image of their parents. This produces a dynamic that is eternal, probably has been going on for 10,000 years, that either the theater of parental image lives forever, or that the curtain hiding the parent is pulled aside.
We were blessed with six kids. Imagining it any other way is impossible. And I miss those children very much.
Almost every night I dream of them as children.
A volume of stories about each is in me. Here are a few happy memories.
The high points of my life were the births of each of them. I was robbed of one, but I keep the story.
The memory of the house being chilly and realizing the children were sitting on top or around me for warmth, makes me warmly emotional.
Noah and Frannie playing solo their cello and viola at school concerts.
@ An especially memorable Christmas on page .
When the kids insisted they could put on their own seatbelts, then thought they were being clever actually not putting on them on. I would drive about 10 miles an hour and slam on the brakes and out they would fly from their carseat.
“ Is everything all right?” yes Five of them only did that once.
Hana and Frannie were asked by their teacher about their house rules. The other children had lists of rules. They could come up with two, Don’t run in front of the TV, Don’t play in Sarah’s studio. They felt left out, and wanted more rules like their classmates. I was pleased. But no more rules.
So many Disneyland memories. The Dapper Dans singing only to them. Not telling them we were staying at the Disneyland Hotel.
Many memories.
At the Television Museum they were all sitting at the monitors in a row. And they had all chosen good quality stuff. Made me proud, happy, and emotional.
All their accomplishments in the world, their personalities, their capacities, they as adults, as parents, uncles, and aunts, l feel proud, and happy, and emotional.
As long as I am alive, and as long as they are alive, I will be their papa.