Betrayal
English is an awful language to describe emotions.
Is there a word for the experience of feeling betrayed? I don’t know.
I do know the feeling of being betrayed, the fear of feeling betrayed again, and how betrayal warps the future self.
Can we define the word betrayal, as meaning the violation of trust, or of the trust in a relationship?
People are awful, they betray. There are people who protect themselves from betrayal by not connecting with others, and others seem to be the ones always doing the betraying.
Most betrayals are small, and most are forgotten.
But they do leave small scars.
Everyone has scars.
Betrayals experienced as an adult are too recently painful to share with you here.
So, here are a few stories from my childhood.
We took a road trip the summer l was 5. Riding in the front seat with my dad, happily reading books and playing with the radio.
And very, very excited about going to kindergarten.
That first day in school was memorable. My mom was hanging around too long in the hallway. I saw some mothers do the same when I took my own kids to kindergarten.
She was upset that I didn't cry.
I was disappointed that kindergarten was only structured play, and standing in lines, and rules.
But at the end of the day we were given free time to play. I went straight for the books.
I found a book of Aesop’s Fables. I remember the illustrations were all in green silhouettes. I read the story of the man and his son who went to the city to sell their donkey. But they had to pass through a few villages. They walked through the first, the villagers said, Look at those two stupid people, they have a donkey and they don’t ride it. Through the next village, they both got on the donkey and people in that village said, Look at those two cruel people overworking that poor donkey. In the next village, the father put the son on the donkey and the villagers said, Look at that spoiled son making his father walk while he rides the donkey. At the next village the father rode, and the villagers said, Look at that cruel father riding the donkey and making his son walk. By this time they reached the big city. The father was afraid of what the city people would say, so they tied the legs of the donkey together and carried it with a pole through its tied feet. But as they were crossing a bridge over the river, they lost their footing. They all fell into the water, and the donkey drowned.
Aesop’s Fables always has a moral.
It is foolish to try to please everyone, and to try to please everyone will only bring disaster.
At this very moment, the teacher came up to me and said, What are you doing?! I’m reading, says I. You can’t read, you’re only five years old! I am reading. What does it say there? so I read a paragraph. She got very angry. She went out to the hallway and pulled my mom into the classroom and said, How dare you teach your young child to read! You robbed him of his childhood! You robbed him of his innocence!
My mom said “I didn’t teach him to read. It isn’t my fault. He taught himself how to read. That’s the way he is.”
That’s the way he is.
What did I learn on my first day of kindergarten?
It is a mistake to try to please everyone, I learned not to respect authority, I learned that my mom wouldn’t defend and protect me.
In 4th grade I discovered the Encyclopedia in school. I would pick up a volume and start reading.
An encyclopedia salesman knocked on our door. He had a beautiful set of encyclopedia, with a beautiful cabinet. I wanted this encyclopedia.
My mom played coy and said No to get more deals. Then she and the salesman started manipulating me. I was overwhelmed with emotion and started crying. The salesman said, “See, you’ve made him cry.” My mom started screaming at him, "No, you made him cry," and they started arguing.
To not lose an argument, my mom was using me.
She didn’t buy the encyclopedia.
When I was 7, my grandmother gave me two dozen chickies for Easter. I took such care of them. I really looked after those little chickens.
On my eighth birthday we went to Disneyland. My dad said let’s take the scenic route. We left early and went down Whittier Blvd. If you turn right on Harbor that takes you right to the park. When we got into the town of Whittier somewhere, my dad said, Let me stop here for a minute .
We were there for hours because he bought a car, his first Alfa Romeo.
I sat there waiting, in a car dealer's showroom, on my birthday, to go to Disneyland.
That night, when we got home, I went for something to drink, and the refrigerator was filled with chicken. I’m sure with the knowledge of my parents, my grandmother had butchered all of my chickens. And there they were in the refrigerator. And even though they had no feathers, and no heads, I could identify many of them by name.
The adults in my life betrayed me.
When I was nine years old, my dad wanted to move to Mexico. In Mazatlan I ate something bad and got very sick. When I got a little better, we went to Guadalajara where we rented an apartment. When I felt well enough they went off to explore the town and left me alone. There was a wonderful TV station that showed great old movies, and I would read.
Along came a charming, good looking, well spoken young man, about 20, who acted as their guide to the city.
Mario and I had hand puppets of Andy Panda and Chilly Willy. This young man asked us if we would lend him the puppets so his little brother and sister could play with them for a couple of days. Of course, Mario and I let him have the puppets. Later we even talked about telling him that he could keep them. He and my parents went off to see the town.
When I felt better, I wandered alone about the neighborhood.
I was walking into the apartment house, and what did I see? The young man with two kids who lived upstairs, and they were playing with our puppets! Later, I confronted the young man, and told him that I expected the puppets back. And that he should not come back to guide my parents.
At 9 years old I experienced betrayal. I experienced feeling foolish. I knew I was a chump. I was conned. It wasn’t just the puppets. It wasn’t just being lied to. It was a unique sort of harsh personal pain. Every time it has happened since, every time I've been lied to or cheated or taken advantage of, I feel some level of that same empty sinking deep pain.
That wasn’t the last time someone hurt me.
But I don’t think I felt that much of that kind of pain again until I was married.
It is foolish to try to please everyone,
and to try to please everyone will only bring disaster.